Leadership Bedrock: Know Yourself
“Don’t let someone dim your light simply because it’s shining in their eyes.” —Renee Richards
So much of the work that I do as an executive coach is helping people show up the way they want to be seen. For some that means showing up with more curiosity. For others, it’s showing up with greater empathy. And still others may want to show up with robust personal power, regardless of title or rank.
The truth is great leadership requires all the above. Every one of my clients has strengths—and weaknesses. And it’s easy to rest on our laurels—to lean on our strengths—without developing our weaknesses. This is very human and natural. Even when we desire change, we simultaneously fear it. And for some of us, we don’t yet trust ourselves in leadership. We don’t know ourselves as clearly as we need to.
I have learned a lot about boundary setting and self-awareness from transgender leaders. Who better to understand identity issues than one born into a gender that doesn’t quite “fit”? Can you imagine the strength, the vulnerability, and self-agency required to come out and embrace one's truest self?This month’s co-blog is an interview with one of Portland’s community and business leaders—Kaig Lightner—whose athletic training, coaching, and transgender experience reveal how self-awareness is the foundation of leadership.
Kaig Lightner,
MSW, Founder, CEO
“The ultimate goal of inclusion work is to understand that our similarities are interdependently woven into the fabric of our differences.”
[Lori Eberly] Kaig, you’re the founder of both a nonprofit organization and a small business, Quantum Gender. What needs are you addressing in our communities?
[Kaig Lightner]: I’m simultaneously addressing the lack of opportunity for low-income, immigrant and refugee kids to play high- quality, competitive soccer and the need for greater inclusion for people of all gender identities in the workplace and on the sports field. Both of these missions are focused on dismantling and reorganizing systems that are oppressive to marginalized communities and identities.
[LE] Sounds like a lot of work. How do you do it all?
[KL] I like to be busy! I’ve always been someone who enjoys doing a lot of different and new things. I was a four-sport athlete starting at the age of eight and then in college I tried rowing for the first time. I discovered as a young kid that if I didn’t have a new challenge to work through I would get bored pretty quickly.
[LE]: Yeah, I like to change it up a lot, too. Another similarity is we both have a Masters in Social Work. How does that influence your work approach and leadership style?
[KL]: I was working in the field of social work for about five years before I went to grad school to earn that degree. During those five years, I was working with kids in after-school programs in low-income areas. Connecting with those kids and learning about the struggles they faced along with the resilience they showed is really what has influenced my work and leadership.
The MSW is just a badge that is assumed to represent expertise, knowledge and mastery. My greatest lessons in how to be a compassionate listener, a strong, no-BS advocate and tightrope walker in compromise were learned from the thousands of kids I’ve worked with in those programs and as a soccer coach.
I learned early on in my coaching career that being a leader people want to follow is all about your authenticity. Kids are the first ones to call you out if you’re not being real. Adults might be diplomatic or completely avoidant when they know a leader is just being performative, but kids will just call it like they see it. My social work education has influenced my work through creating a more focused and critical lens on systemic oppressions and increasing my ability to break down those complex subjects in order to educate others.
[LE]: Rachel Cargle recently filmed a video with SWCares called Social Work So White. I think in helping professions like ours, and others dominated by white women like human resources, nursing, education, and executive coaching, we must be hyper vigilant about examining how and where white saviorism is at play. As a professor at PSU in the School of Social Work, how are these conversations happening? And do you see the student body diversifying?
[KL]: It’s really important for me to qualify my answer by saying that I am an adjunct professor. That means I am not attending all the staff meetings and I am not playing an integral part in curriculum design across the university. I have the opportunity to do so, but I just simply don’t have the time, nor am I paid to attend those things. But, I have seen progress that has happened at the School of Social Work in the eight years since I graduated from there and over the past five years as a faculty member. The creation of the very class that I teach, called Advocacy and Empowerment, has been part of that progress.
One of the strong throughlines in the course is critiquing the profession of social work for all the ways that it has perpetuated white saviorism and upheld oppressive systems for decades. Every year I have at least five students who haven’t worked very long or at all in the field. This critique usually lands pretty hard on them because they have come to this work with the belief that it was about helping people.
Here’s a great quote from the weekly feedback cards I have them submit: “I have begun to examine the ways I have created power imbalances and perpetuated oppression.” There has also been a strong push to include a lot more BIPOC and LGBTQ+ voices in the assigned readings across all curriculum design. However, this has not equated to greater numbers of BIPOC people in the student body. Every year I will have no more than two to three people who identify as BIPOC in a class of 15-20. It is still overwhelmingly white, cisgender women who attend the school of social work.
[LE]: You’ve started a new video series called Intoxicating Privilege. Why did you do that and what are you learning about yourself?
[KL]: As more people took to the streets to protest and speak out about police brutality and systemic racism I started to ask myself how I wanted to participate in a meaningful way. I didn’t want to just put a statement out in solidarity under the banner of the nonprofit soccer club (which has 98% of kids from communities of color) and my consulting business without putting myself more on the line.
The only way I know how to show up authentically is to be vulnerable. So, I started this video series talking about how I am racist. But using it as a tool for other white people who think of themselves as liberal, progressive, and well-intentioned people to highlight that racism isn’t something we can just say we’re aware of and leave it at that.
We have to recognize how intoxicating it is to experience white privilege and that intoxication— much like a drug or alcohol—is addictive and we don’t want to admit we have a problem. The series is a collection of seven videos with this as the overarching theme, but each episode focuses on one aspect of privilege that I experience and a call to action to everyone who experiences those same privileges.
I’m learning that while I am very comfortable with vulnerability when doing workshops in real time it feels heavier to put myself on a recording and have it forever live on the internet. Plus, my mom has been watching them. She is very proud of me and also expressed concern to me recently because she was worried that I’m not currently happy with my life, you know, she’s being a mom! As I told her that I am incredibly happy with my life and the person I am, I also realized how hard it is to have the feeling that I have a duty to use my privileges for good without jeopardizing my own mental health.
[LE]: You’ve talked about the privilege to “pass” as a straight white guy. Can you say a bit about what it’s like to have access to that power? I can imagine how seductive it could be to embrace it, as well as the potential for you to leverage that access for a greater good.
[KL]: Holy shit. That pretty much sums it up! But, seriously, it took me some time to really recognize the level at which this kind of power resides in our society. It’s obviously something that I’ve been aware of on a very intellectual level for probably 20 years. As a young queer who identified as a dyke and was seen as that, I thought straight, white men were the absolute enemy. When I started being seen as one I realized that not only is it a seductive power, but it is so slippery and insidious that it is in every nook and cranny of our society.
I realized that it is nearly impossible to see if you’re someone who has only known that specific privilege, even if you’re open to understanding it. It is the ultimate in intoxication and the only remedy is a collective intervention with straight white men that involves a lot of tough love with a lot of compassion. That’s how I’ve decided to use this particular kind of privilege because I don’t expect people of color, especially women, trans or cis, who’ve been violated by white male supremacy to hold that compassionate space—it’s too much to ask. But the reality is that this is the only way straight white men are going to truly become an accomplice to everyone who doesn’t experience their level of privilege.
[LE]: You recently attended a writers workshop with Minda Hart, the bestselling author of The Memo. Why did you attend? And what did you learn?
[KL]: I attended because I loved her book and I grew to know her as a complex, funny, interesting person. Everything under the Minda Hart brand is authentic and so well done. I knew this retreat wouldn’t be any different.
She originally floated their idea to her Twitter followers way before COVID hit as an in person event. But she pivoted quickly and beautifully to an all online event, which honestly made it easier for me to attend. She brought in so many people at the top of their field in writing, editing, literary agency, etc. I learned so many things about the nuts and bolts of writing, publishing and marketing.
One of the greatest nuggets of wisdom that I keep at the forefront while I am currently writing my first book was from the incredible New York Times bestseller Ibram X. Kendi, “Write the book you want to read.” I also was surprised to find the entire two day event far more intimate and connected despite the fact that I was sitting in my office alone all day. I connected with several other folks beyond the retreat and have forged some new connections with some incredible women of color that I feel so honored to know.
[LE]: Minda is getting phenomenal praise and recognition for what’s been called the Black woman’s Lean In. (I certainly enjoyed her book far more than Sandberg’s privileged musings.) After spending time with Minda, how would you describe her appeal?
[KL]: She is just no bullshit. I had the chance to talk with her on the phone right when everything was shutting down. She offered to talk to anyone that wanted some business advice as entrepreneurs. During that conversation she was so approachable and easy going, but she also just spoke so directly about being confident in myself and what I have to say to the world. She realizes she holds a tremendous amount of power and she’s so deliberate and intelligent about how she uses it. A phenomenal leader.
[LE]: She certainly seems to bring a sincerity and humility to her leadership, a real desire to amplify other Black women and share the secrets of her own success. What would your memo be about if it was published today?
[KL]: It would be about overcoming shame as a queer, trans person. There are so many paths for us in the LGBTQ+ community to finding our true selves. For some it means going through a transition like I have. For some it means finding your chosen family in order to be loved. And for some it is a lifelong struggle that may never end. But the level of shame I felt about myself starting at such a young age could’ve permanently altered the trajectory of my future if it hadn’t been for having a family who unconditionally loved me and the power of sport to carry me through.
My memo would be to anyone who feels shame about themselves because of all the societal “norms” to do whatever it takes to root yourself in your truth, build and rely on your support team and then go break some doors down.
[LE] As the impact of COVID continues, how are you using your strengths and skills during this crisis?
[KL]: I am obsessed with optimism. It’s the lens by which I view the world in which I live. When I’m faced with a challenge my first thought is what’s the solution, instead of just throwing my hands up and plunging into a pit of despair. I credit my mom for this trait. She taught me from a very young age that there is a solution to nearly every problem. The solution might not be the easiest path, or the most comfortable choice, but the choice exists.
Even though, as a young kid I couldn’t always see the truth in that world view, it has continued to serve me incredibly well in various kinds of difficult, stressful, and overwhelming situations. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was developing a skill set in deconstructing any given situation to determine where my locus of control resided. Once you are clear on what is within your control it is much easier to see your options and to remain optimistic about the future. It took quite a few more years of therapy to eventually really hone this skill.
I have had to lean heavily on this skill during the COVID-19 crisis. There are so many things out of my control right now. There are so many unpredictable next steps. It would be incredibly easy to fall head first into the pit of despair and never resurface. I will admit that when my wife’s job completely stopped, and within days she was going to a mass interview for Amazon, I was having a hard time being optimistic. The rug had been pulled out from underneath of us. Our paycheck to paycheck financial situation suddenly felt like a million pounds resting on my shoulders. I was the only one bringing any money in and I was the one making less money. I remember thinking, “What the hell is the solution to this problem?” I wondered if we were both going to suddenly find ourselves working in a warehouse at Amazon. Thanks to unemployment and some financial help from family that reality didn’t come to fruition. I know that’s not the story for so many others. I know that the layers of privilege I experience allowed us to make a different choice.
Once you are clear on what is within your control it is much easier to see your options and to remain optimistic about the future.
[LE] How have prior life experiences prepared you for this?
[KL]: I grew up with a very comfortable life. Middle/upper class, white, safe neighborhood, nice schools, etc. If that was all there was to my prior life experiences I’m not sure I would have gained the life skills I have now, not because there’s something inherently lacking from this kind of upbringing, but it sometimes takes dealing with hard shit to build skills.
While growing up in this idyllic setting I was also a kid who didn’t fit into gender expectations. I am a transgender person who was assigned the sex of female at birth. My gender presentation as a kid was usually categorized as a “tomboy”. I loved sports, being outside, playing with GI Joes, you know…“boy” stuff. That was mostly acceptable while I was younger, but as I grew older the norms were a crushing force all around me. I was teased and bullied daily. I was asked every day, seriously, every day if I was a boy or a girl. It tore at my soul.
These experiences convinced me there was something drastically wrong with me, and I felt shame and embarrassment for who I was, how I dressed, the activities I liked and eventually the kind of people I was attracted to. But I also discovered sports at a young age. My very first sport was softball. My parents had to absolutely force me to attend my first Peppermint Patty softball practice. I was certain that the other kids would pick on me, tell me how weird I was or just ignore me. But the minute I stepped onto the field, caught my first ball and felt the tingle in my hands at my first swing of the bat, I was hooked!
I also happened to have some natural athletic ability so I actually started to impress my teammates and coaches. Suddenly I was getting attention not for being a freak, but for having talent. I had found my home. I became completely obsessed with sports. By the time I was nine years old I was playing softball, basketball and soccer, and by 15 I had added volleyball and coaching soccer into the mix. So, what does any of this have to do with helping me to be prepared for this crisis?
In crisis it is imperative that leaders remain clear-eyed. If you get lost in the swirl of anxiety of the unknown it is impossible to not only support others, but to know when to lean on others in times of your own fatigue. To remain clear-eyed largely depends on how well you know yourself. What are your boundaries? What are your triggers? How do you know when something just doesn’t feel right?
Through the process of digging through all the layers of our society’s crushing expectations of gender in order to truly find myself I learned how to answer these questions. But just knowing how to answer those questions isn’t enough in a crisis. You also have to know what to do with those answers. That’s where being an athlete has served me well.
Over the course of 30 years of identifying as an athlete I discovered something absolutely amazing about myself. In the face of a challenge I just go harder. I was presented with so many challenges in all the sports I played. And every time I just saw it as an opportunity to prove to myself and everyone else that I was capable of being more than the freak show they assumed me to be. My greatest challenge I overcame, and ultimately the one that propels me today, was working my way onto the first boat on the University of Washington crew team.
It was 2001, I was a Junior at UW and had stopped playing any sports for almost a year. I was burned out but desperately missing being active. I learned about open tryouts for the rowing team and followed my friend, who was on the varsity squad, down to the boat house. Nearly every person I encountered that first day was at least four inches taller than me. It didn’t occur to me that could be a disadvantage to me. The next three months were comparable to boot camp. The “tryouts” were basically an exercise in seeing who could survive the most brutal workouts I had ever experienced. We’re talking vomiting, inability to stand at times, double-vision kind of workouts. I loved and hated it all at the same time.
I almost quit but was convinced by various people that I just couldn’t give up now. I took that advice to heart and instead of thinking about quitting I suddenly started thinking about moving up from the novice boat (with all the other people brand new to rowing) to the “freshman” first boat. This boat was for experienced rowers. At the time, there were at least three National Championship level rowers in the first boat (two from the US and one from Italy). It never occurred to me that I couldn’t compete at the same level as them, even though I had only been rowing for about six months and most of them had been rowing for at least five years. That is how I approach a challenge. What do I have control over? What can I do to create the result I want?
I went to my coach and said, “I want to row in the first boat”. She looked at all 5’5”, 125 pounds of me, smirked and said, “OK. You gotta do three things. You have to gain 10 pounds, improve your technique, and increase your split time on the erg (aka rowing machine) by a lot!.” I had my answer.
For the next 6-8 weeks I ate absolutely everything in sight. It became my job to eat. I was eating between 4-6k calories a day. I stayed after practice for extra time to work on my technique and increased my workout efforts in an already completely daunting six-day-a-week schedule. I had all sorts of people telling me it was never going to happen. I was three inches shorter than the shortest woman on the team, I had no experience and I was fooling myself. That kind of shit just made me work harder.
So, spring time arrives, also known as the racing season. I had gained 10 pounds, my technique had drastically improved and I was getting pretty close to my fastest time on the erg. So, one day while on the water during training my coach informed me that we were going to do seat races. This involved two boats racing, coaches observing the race and then swapping rowers into the other boat to see if the boat can move faster with different combinations of rowers. This was my chance.
We did one short race while I was still in the novice boat, it was neck and neck the whole way. Then we pulled the two boats together, out in the middle of Lake Washington, all eight rowers gripped the sides of the boats to keep them stable and connected, while I crawled into the bow of the first boat and the other woman, who was about 5’11”, 165 pounds, crawled into the novice boat. We raced again and this time the first boat absolutely destroyed the novice boat. I had made the difference in the speed and efficiency of the boat. I had officially earned my spot in a boat that had only been for experienced rowers!
I rowed in that boat for the remainder of the season, which included going to the National Championships in Sacramento, CA. I also earned the most inspirational award as voted on by my teammates. It was an unbelievably magical time. It was all the proof I needed that if I wanted something bad enough I could get it. I relied on that experience and those lessons when about five years later I decided to start transitioning, taking testosterone, have surgery to remove my breast tissue and step into my full self.
These are the life lessons that have prepared me for just about anything. In this time of uncertainty, fear, divisiveness and pain I am leaning heavily on the security of knowing how I handle a challenge; head first.